documentedprism

Results from personality disorder test i took here: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv?stat=1

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html
 

Date: Jan 15, 2009

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of walking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live..."
 

I think I'm bi-polar.

Yesterday I was seeing ways

to make the world around me evolve

and saw the path to betterment

and had faith in the light

at the end of this chaotic entrapment

that has become my life.

I actually felt and believed

everything WOULD get better.

Today is another conundrum…

Awoken with disturbing dreams

and not by my alarm clock

whose digital face

revealed to me

I was thirty minutes late in my routine.

I rolled out of bed

and got dressed for work quicker

than I've ever had -

pants

boots

brown thermal shirt

…screw my blouse

my gortex jacket will cover its absence.

My room door auto-locks -

it shut behind me with a toothbrush in my mouth…

I spit the toothpaste out

ran outside

and climbed through my bedroom window

as I've done many times before -

grabbed my cover and backpack

and power-walked myself to work.

Dreams to sensitive types

as myself

can really influence a day

I armed up again

fighting back tears

just letting them sting

under my eyelids again

so no one could see

and fear arming me up.

I haven't been one much for crying this year

but I've had my moments:

The first was in February

After reading my brothers MySpace page

that dribbled nothing but his torment

and depression.

The second was at the end of my leave

in mid-August -

there was just so much reason to be home

but I couldn't stay

I had to transfer to my next command

and follow orders.

The third time was in late August

feeling the burden of being away from home

and unable to help in the ways I wished I could

and realizing the hell hole I've been placed with

on this pretty island called Crete,

so rich and beautiful with history

but surrounded by base gates

and placed in the hands

of idiots- namely one big one…

who I'm enforced to respect

because they wear a khaki uniform.

I was alone in my room

with my knees on my carpet

and back curled over

crying uncontrollably.

I turned to prayer

And begged for someone -

anyone,

anything…

that could help me escape.

Being surrounded by people

doesn't mean you're not alone.

Alone in more ways

then I could ever describe

I prayed hard

until my tears were gone.

The end of that week

my prayers were answered-

my angel invited me to a party

and stole my heart.

I wanted to keep him forever

within the first week of knowing him

but he had to leave after three months

and transfer to his next duty station.

I knew he'd be leaving shortly

from day one

and if I was smarter I'd guard my heart better

but he was just that good…

and made me feel that good.

Richie leaving is the fourth… fifth, sixth… tenth (possibly)

time I've cried this year,

all I know for certain is he left on a Tuesday

and I was crying hard off and on

and didn't stop until Sunday -

it was the end of November.

I've been in touch with him every day

since he's been gone

but it's only been two weeks

and the road ahead is long and uncertain

and wanting him so much

makes it hurt worse

but I can't want him less

and my heart won't let him go

because I don't want to -

and I don't want anyone else at all.

I think of Richie constantly throughout the day

and hope somehow

he can actually feel how much I miss him

hoping he's thinking of me too

at some point in his days -

I imagine sending him everything I feel for him

through psychic waves

and just hope he can feel it

and believe everything I say I feel for him

is nothing but true.

I've come a long way through the years

but everything I've bottled up

has come to topple over

and the glass has been broken.

Nothing was meant to stay hidden forever.

I was just trying to be strong.

My mom and my brothers have all been treated for depression

it's been a long, hard road for us all -

so many blessings with hidden burdens

and unforeseen problems

that make obstacle after obstacle.

I didn't want to burden them more with my problems

so I kept it all to myself -

they don't need to worry about me,

they got enough on their plates without me.

I feel sick...

My heart is sick

making everything sick -

my throat

my chest

my head…

I just feel like a sick, crazy person…

I need help,

But in pure arrogance

I don't believe there's anything a shrink could tell me

that I haven't heard before and don't already know.

The worse part is

when I do find it in me

to suck up my pride

and my appointment comes

I'm on an up

and everything is completely fine

and will be ok

and I just don't feel depressed at all.

I'm in the U.S. Navy. Navy relationships are hard. you meet someone amazing, who steals your heart, and then they gotta transfer to a new command, and like a drop point or a cliff-hanger, without the resolve, there gone from you as quick as they came, and you g2 just deal with it... you can try to keep in touch, write, email, talk on the phone, but there's no guarantees of anything else coming out of it, you can try, but nobody can make any promises. I've met a couple guys in the Navy who i thought could be the one - my dumb hopeless romantic self sometimes, i tell you... - neither of them got to me, or felt more right for me than Richard Quinn - Richie to me... I'm a total newb with relationship stuff. the longest i'd been with anybody was about a month. the first b/f i had was my senior year of high school, and he was the first boy i'd even kissed. the second b/f was when i was stationed in bahrain, where i was part of a deployable security detachment, and it got back to me from credible sources that he was fucking a hooker on the regular while i was gone, and he asked people if they saw me messing around so he'd have an excuse to dump me... for what? i don't think i'm that bad... but what the fuck ever right? some people are just shitty people. Richie, however, is amazing. I got to be with him for about three months, and then he had to fly away back to the states to go on leave, and check in to his new command. he's only been gone for two weeks now, but i miss like crazy. i know part of this is helping me to find my strength within myself, and helping me to work on dealing with my own personal issues, with - myself - which is a long story in itself... but regardless, even knowing that, it's still hard getting used to him not being here. i seriously cried every day within that first week of him being gone, no lie there either - that's just how much him being with me affected me. i know i'm going to be ok, and i've been in touch with him everyday, and i still got hopes in the 'someday' but it still hurts right now. i wrote this poem for him:

I met a guy named Richie
who walked me to the beach
he took my hand and kissed me there
and swept me off my feet.

I met him in the Navy
of all places Crete
I was angry and I was sad
so then he was sent to me.

I asked him that night would he care
when morning comes around
I asked if he'd still be nice to me
and he stuck around.

I swore of Navy boys for good this time
I wouldn't come around
but something about him got to me
and I couldn't turn him down.

Maybe it was his tattoos
and his New York accent too
whatever it was he had me
and I wanted him to like me to.

For shallow reasons it starts
for deeper reasons it stays
in such a short time he became to me
the happiness of my everyday.

It wasn't always perfect
we couldn't always see eye-to-eye
but what mattered most he didn't give up on me
and let me stay at his side.

The best things Richie ever gave to me
was simply a place to be
and just having him to hold and hold me
was more than i could need.

[Me and Richie in downtown Chania, on the island of Crete - Halloween 2008]

Richie ~ if you do check this blog out ~

you see how much i actually think of you? i know you know how i feel about you - maybe as you see it, you know how i think i feel about you... and i know you're sitting there anticipating the day i do just quit writing you, calling you, logging onto WOW to look for you, so when that day comes you won't be hurt. i know i'm not your g/f, i realize this, but i know what i had with you here wasn't just a thing. just being in the same room with you, hearing your voice ~ my whole heart feels it. i don't know what's going to come from this down the road, but whether i do get to be with you again, or we just stay friends, Richie, you're ALWAYS going to be someone special to my heart, and that L feeling i have for you isn't going anywhere. you'll always be one of my angels in this life, you were there for me when i really needed someone, you gave me something to look forward to every day - just having you to come home to at the end of every day gave me a nice little escape from all the other b/s i'd been dealing with...w/ master chief, with work in general, stuff at home... with you no matter how mad i'd get, you just touch, let me cuddle you in front of the tv, made the bad feelings i was dealing with fall off of me for that moment. you've meant more to me than anyone else here, probably even you, could ever realize. There's no way i could forget about you ~ with me, you got a friend for life ~ xoxo, Vanessa 

Within me I find a new strength

That had layed dormant

And unfounded

Within me

it’s fire

The wrath of the seas

Whirling and hurling about

And coming to rest

As it puddles and catches on my chest

And further within

In the depths of my solar plexus

Boiling up from muladhara

is a beast so uncanny

and yet demonized

and frightful

deeper than the scorn of any Fury

it's blistering vengeance and wrath in their purest forms

it’s a dark power

overtaking my every sense of rightful doing

where I feel criminal minded

and prone to violence

ready to take up fists

and put ‘em through anything

that challenges my sense of decency

and expectations of humanity

I’m a light and happy soul

I smile through all my tears

I understand that light

When clouded in darkness

Will always find a way to return

I understand what I expect

Can only set me up for failure

Nothing goes as expected

Plans are forfeited

In exchange of living only for the moment

And living for that moment that counted

The one that reminds you of what it is to live

When numb entangles in with your fears and pain

And keeps you bottled away from the hate and anger

Life seems to spawn

From the kindest of hearts

Out to do good

But set up to fail

And left wondering why god wants us to struggle so much

What doesn’t kill you

Makes you stronger

But how strong do we need to be?

I’m tired of struggling

I’m tired of seeing efforts gone to waste

And bare fruitless results

In an avalanche

Of all our hopes and dreams we aspired to

Topple down and crash upon us

With one false slip

Nothing is for certain

Except for the uncertainty of tomorrows troubles

And seeing what obstacles lie ahead of us

Hoping for some secret vision

To see beyond…

on urbis.com a girl posted a poem i'm about to post here. it just hit really close to home. i have to share it. this was the comment i left her and the thoughts the poem left me with:

wow ~ i'm feeling this poem hardcore. my parents were together for 16yrs before they split. i was already 15 when they split ~ they did fight a lot, but then they'd have these good streaks where everything was perfectly happy ~ then someone would get pissed off again ~ but i never thought i'd be another kid whose parents got divorced. i feel ur pain in this poem. sometimes i think that not everyone knows what its like to loose your sense of stability. thats where stability is rooted, ur homelife ur family. reading stuff like this reminds me that im not alone in this feeling. its hard i know. that was 5 yrs ago. im 20 now, im in the navy in a country called bahrain which is a small island in the arabian gulf. my mom is in california living with my 2 brothers and my stepdad ~ i have 3 stepsisters from him that still live in the philippines, who i've never even met yet. my dad is in fargo, north dakota with a live-in girlfriend who has her own kids. i havent seen my dad in 2yrs... life has pulled me so far from anything i could have ever expected. its hard... and the older i get the more i feel life distancing me from my parents, which makes it even harder. i miss my mom and my brothers n my dad ~ i miss the house we all lived in ~ when times were good and our parents were happy together. but i know that will never ever be again ~ theres nothing you can do to change it. but u know everything we go through makes us stronger. i know thats cliche, but its cliche because it's true. it sucks a lot, but u know life is something you g2 just take for what it is. keep ur head up, remember good and bad are always chasing each other. bad things happen, but then good comes. embrace the good things life brings you and appreciate those times. life is constantly changing theres no telling what new circumstances you'll be confronted with all you can do is let the bad things make you stronger and love yourself enough to keep going. ~ hope that helps a little bit.

HERES THE POEM she wrote.... [i can't give the name of this author.]

it's called So Long to My Life.

It wasn't that long ago that this was home.
That whenever I was scared I knew my parents would be there. Now I listen to my Momma cry down the hall, And Daddy don't show no pain at all. The house is always a mess, the kids are always fighting, Mom says Daddy's lying, Daddy says Mamma needs to stop crying. I pick up the mess, take a shower, get dressed. Tell my little brother it's ok, hoping we'll all make through another day. Don't know who I can trust, I'm scared to open my heart but I know I must. This house, Mommy loved it, Daddy bought it. Once a place where laughter rang, now only cold and stained. All my childhood memories slowly fade away. I remember Mommys birthday, I remember christmas morning. Traditions, love, kisses and hugs. Mommy left, took my brother, took my sister. They love her, they need her. We want her, we miss her. Daddy say's he's fine, without her he'll be alright. I think he still loves her, he always has. But somehow it didn't last, throw memories away, let past be past. I'm in this house, but I'm not home. There's people all around me but I'm alone. Voices screaming in my ear, but I don't hear. I'm deaf to all the noise, I'm trying to find my own voice. Everythings shaking down, I can't seem to find solid ground. All this chaos, all this pain. The ripping, the tearing, of love and hearts, it's all being torn apart. The foundation on which I built my life, has slipped out from beneath my feet. Two as one, that's what they say, till death do us part, well what happens when they break your heart? I thought that this would always be here, even if the whole world turned against me, my family would always be with me. But I guess the things you love the most, you don't know just how much so, till they go. So I'll be strong and walk through the fire, but never will I be a cheater and a liar. I don't want this to happen to my kids. Pain and heartbreak won't be my fate. I love you Mom, I love you Dad. You don't love each other, that's too bad. Maybe this is where another story will begin. But this is my childhood story's end.

Trace a man on paper

mapping the outlines of his soul

tracing him on paper

until the rest of him is whole

you can follow in his shadows

but you can’t replace him, no

he’s the one you’ve wanted

but he’s further than you know.

almost wanna lay back,

and let the pieces solve themselves;

this puzzle is all mind games,

a rollercoaster,

with no getting off.

i'm treading deep water;

if i stop i'll be engulfed,

if i panic i'll loose control,

if i submit,

i'll eventually tire,

and slowly begin to fall.

i'll try and float,

but none can say,

where the waves will take me to;

i'm on open currents,

and my only hope is truth.

Take me to the Ocean,

where my soul began.

Let me feel the waves,

flow swiftly through my hands.

- Aquarius Woman -

- Poseidon Child -

Take me to the Ocean,

and leave me in peace,

this is my escape,

where I come to release.

- Aquarius Woman -

- Poseidon Child -

Take me to the Ocean,

where I can play free,

and the only throne that matters,

I follow with glee.

- Aquarius Woman -

- Poseidon Child -

how hard is it to trust?

trusting is like believing

that the fires flame won't hurt you

why is it hard?

people are scandalous

they protect themselves first and foremost

what could happen if tested?

gentle hearts will be corrupted

and thicker skins will be diluted

where does it belong?

with the ones who've been there for you

through your darkest rage and frustrutions

who will save it?